The Long Fight of Nymphadora Tonks
by Holly Marsh
Summary: Amid the turmoil of events that shaped their lives, two friends began to realise that their feelings went deeper than that ... Repost from Schnoogle and WB, as per Kris's wish.
1. Alone

Chapter 1: Alone

"How did this come about?" Remus Lupin asked of the room at large.

But he received no answer. How could he, when he was all alone? Alone as he had been for so much of his life, alone as the nightmare of his childhood had condemned him to be. The worn hearth rug, the faded curtains, the threadbare cushions on the armchairs that had been patched so many times - these were his only companions, and they could not answer him. He gave a short, mirthless laugh in the silence, and shook his head. Sinking into the chair nearest the fire, he stared into the empty grate and wondered.

Just how had this come about?

_Dad argued with Fenrir Greyback. Greyback bit me for revenge. We lost everything. And then Albus Dumbledore became headmaster of Hogwarts._

Remus remembered his parents' delight at the news that the new headmaster was revoking his predecessor's decision to forbid their son access to the school, and his own initial disbelief, followed by a kind of elation he had never known, followed by sadness as he realised what this meant - that he must leave home and leave his parents. Alone.

_But I wasn't alone for long. Thanks to James._

What a lad James Potter had been! Eager, always on the move, full of life and joy and energy. He had taken Remus under his wing almost at once - a funny thing, really, when one considered how very different they had been. And he had introduced Remus to Sirius Black.

_And that was when it all began. With my meeting Sirius Black. If I had never met Sirius, if we had never become friends, then all of this might never have happened the way it did, and I would just go on being alone and no one would try and stop me. No one would care._

But they had cared. James and Sirius and Peter Pettigrew - the stocky, fair and timid boy who had looked so forlorn on that first night at Hogwarts, who had wanted someone to make him feel he belonged, to protect him from bullies and help him along when the work got too difficult for him. Yes, these three friends had cared about him. And he had cared about them.

_I must have seemed to strange to them at times. The way I always fell in with what they wanted, even when they knew well enough that I was against it. But I daren't object. And the stories I used to invent! Surely I knew they would see through my lies, surely I was clever enough for that._

They had been clever. They had worked it all out. And they had confronted him with it. He had been afraid that they would turn away from him and leave him alone again, but they had not. On the contrary. Peter alone showed any concern, James and Sirius seemed positively thrilled to find one of their best friends was a werewolf, it had been like a particularly daring adventure to them. It was Sirius who had come up with the idea that they should learn to become animagi.

_Sirius, always reckless, always eager to try out some new way of breaking the rules that he thought no one had tried before. And I let them do it. It was my fault. Everything that happened was my fault._

Remus shook himself. He had no wish to let his mind wander on that track.

_The amount of books we must have gone through during those years. I bet Professor McGonagall would have been delighted to know how much we were learning about Transfiguration in our spare time. No wonder James was so good at the subject. And then, of course, Sirius found us a place to experiment during the summer._

Sirius never talked much about his family. His friends all knew that he had no affection for his mother and father, and next to none for his younger brother. They also knew that these feelings were mutual. The Black family, as a whole, considered Sirius a disgrace because he refused to fall in with their ways, to follow their principles - and because he was sorted into Gryffindor rather than Slytherin. The one notable exception was his elder cousin, Andromeda.

_How old was she then? Twenty-one, maybe? She'd certainly been out of Hogwarts a couple of years. She'd been married for at least one year, too. To Ted Tonks._

And this marriage had been the reason why Andromeda was similarly excluded from the family fold. For Ted Tonks had been muggle-born, and therefore worthless in the eyes of her family. Sirius had looked up to her for that, though that was not the expression he would have used.

_What was she like? I don't think she was really the kind of person you expected to look up to. She was small, as far as I remember. She had dark hair. Her face was delicate ... heart-shaped. Pale. Rather pretty ... She was pregnant._

The thought sent a chill down Remus's spine. He had been about thirteen when he had met Andromeda Tonks. And she had been pregnant.

_And that, I suppose, is how it all came about. Sirius took us to visit his cousin during those summer holidays and she let us have the use of the attic, and she knocked before she came in and interrupted us, and brought us home-baked scones and pumpkin juice. And then, one day, Sirius got an owl to say she'd delivered. A baby girl. Nymphadora._

Andromeda had sent Sirius a picture of her baby every Christmas, but there had been no more visits to the Tonks's house during the holidays.

_How long was it before we all saw her again, together? Four years, perhaps. About that, I suppose. It was the year we left Hogwarts, and she came down with her family to meet Sirius off the Hogwarts Express. We all went to Fortescue's for an ice-cream before we went home, and Nymphadora pinched my wafer._

Remus got up out of his arm chair restlessly and paced around the room. It was all so long ago. James had been alive, Sirius had been free and happy, Peter had been their friend, and he had been young. Now he felt old and weary. That little girl, Andromeda's daughter, was the young one now. Young and vibrant and full of cheer and colour. And it was not easy to remind himself that she was the same child who had climbed trustingly onto his knee to taste his ice-cream on that sunny day all those years ago. It was not easy to accept that though she was a woman now, he must not look at her that way.

_It's no good telling myself she's come back into my life for a reason. My life has been over for many years, it's hers that's just beginning, and it's hers that matters. She loves life. And she must be allowed to live it, fully and whole-heartedly, as I have never been able to live._

He told himself that her fate was to find love and happiness and joy in life. And his was to stay as he had always been. Alone.


	2. Like Lightning

Chapter 2: Like Lightning

_Why is it that I always seem to want the things that I mustn't have? It's been like this ever since I was a little girl. Mind you, at least then I was allowed the things I wanted in moderation - usually chocolate frogs or Drooble's - even if Mum did claim they weren't good for me. That made it bearable, I suppose. But now I want something more than I've ever wanted anything before. And I can't have it. End of discussion. Not a chance._

Nymphadora Tonks, daughter of Ted and Andromeda Tonks, auror and metamorphmagus, stood looking in the mirror. She studied her reflection. The reflection of a young woman in a loose-fitting t-shirt, with big, brown eyes in a pale, heart-shaped face, with tousled hair the colour of the pinkest bubblegum she had ever sneaked out of a sweet dish. She picked up a brush and tried to restore some order to the spikes that currently stood out in all directions, because she had been tossing and turning all night - again.

_I don't know why I bother, really. It's not like anyone cares whether I go out the door looking my Sunday best or resembling something the cat dragged in after chewing on it happily for an hour or two. I'm getting fed up with the pink, anyway. About time I tried a new colour. Just because _he_ said the pink suits me. Huh._

With a snort, she stopped brushing her hair and closed her eyes in concentration. She would try red this time. Yes, that was it. The red of roses, the colour of passion - the colour of blood. Her eyes opened again and she looked eagerly at her reflection. The result was so startling that she didn't recognise herself for a moment.

_What the ... who ordered mousy brown? Must have got my thoughts in a muddle. That's what comes of metamorphosing on an empty stomach. Well, have to try harder, I suppose._

Closing her eyes again, she concentrated once more. She took her time before opening her eyes again. The result was the same as the first time. Mousy brown, not a hint of red. She tried again, and again, but nothing happened. In the end, she resigned herself to waiting until after breakfast. But even then, when she had partaken of plenty of cornflakes and toast and butter and jam, when she had had a refreshing shower and pulled on her favourite jeans and the _Weird Sisters_ top, she couldn't do it. She stood there with her brush in her hand, her expression puzzled. But only for a moment. Then she felt an annoying kind of prickling at the back of her eyes.

_Merlin's beard, Tonks, you're not about to start blubbing!_

But she couldn't help it. With a cry of anger and misery, she hurled her brush at the mirror so that it cracked and ran out of the bathroom, back into the bedroom, and flung herself on the still unmade bed, pulling the cover over her, sobbing, sobbing her heart out.

_Why do I always want the things I mustn't have?_

And why could a man thirteen years older than her, a man who seemed to have no energy, no passion, no apparent enthusiasm for life, a man completely devoid of the excitement and shockingly bright, vivid colourfulness she craved, do this to her? Why could he, of all men, make her heart bound just by talking to her, and send her crying to her bed like a baby just by looking away? Why had things had to turn out this way? They had begun so pleasantly ...

It was the summer of 1994, the year the Triwizard Tournament at Hogwarts had taken up the front pages of the _Daily Prophet_ week after week, when that dreadful Skeeter woman had spread lies in unprecedented quantity, which sadly only too many people had swallowed as eagerly as pumpkin juice on a sunny day. News of the tragedy that had occurred during the final task of the Tournament had travelled fast, enough versions of it to fill ten editions of the _Prophet_. The Tournament had claimed a life. Cedric Diggory, by all accounts a handsome, much-loved boy of seventeen, was dead. "An accident," some said. "His own fault," others whispered. "It had something to do with the Potter boy," a few were heard muttering. But not Nymphadora Tonks. She was sure there was more to it than anyone was letting on, and when she came home from work one day to find her mother deep in conversation with the man whose face she still saw plastered on nearly every square inch of wall at Headquarters every day, she knew that she had been right.

It still surprised her how little it had worried her that her mother had allowed a convicted traitor and murderer and supposedly the closest supporter ever of the Dark Lord into her living room. Perhaps that was because she knew that her mother had never really believed in her favourite cousin's guilt.

"Black?" she had queried, joining them unexpectedly, standing back to let her mother return the vase she had sent flying on entry to its rightful place, and studying him with interest. "Sirius Black?"

It occurred to her that he had probably looked more shocked and surprised than she was when he saw her.

"Don't tell me," he said in a rough, low voice very like a growl. "It can't be ... Nymphadora?"

She pulled a face. "No. It's not. It's just plain 'Tonks'."

And that had been the manner of their introduction. Sirius, she had learned that day, had never betrayed the Potters at all. It had been Peter Pettigrew. Peter Pettigrew, who had faked his own death, and killed a dozen muggles so he could escape in the confusion. And it was Peter Pettigrew who was responsible for the death of Cedric Diggory, not an accident, not Cedric himself, not Harry Potter. Peter Pettigrew and the Dark Lord. Lord Voldemort, who had risen again. Sirius had explained that there had been an organisation during what he called the 'First War' that had sworn to fight Voldemort and all who supported him. He had told her that Albus Dumbledore had asked him to call together all the people who had been in this 'Order of the Phoenix' last time, and to contact anyone he thought might be able to help.

Tonks had looked expectantly at her mother, but she had shaken her head.

"Your father and I won't be getting involved in this. We kept out of the Order last time, and we will do so again. I'm sorry, Sirius," she forestalled her cousin's protests. "We're not fighters, either of us. You know that."

"You fought once for what you believed in. You married Ted," he reminded her.

"That was different. I fought for love, Sirius. It was quite another kind of fight - a battle of wills, not powers. I'm not cut out for duelling in dark alleys, looking over my shoulder - maybe one day having to face my sisters. No. I'm sorry."

With a sigh, Sirius had turned to go. But Tonks had made her decision, there and then.

"I'll join the Order," she said eagerly. "I'm not afraid of anything."

Her mother began to object, but Tonks cut her short.

"Mum, I'm an auror. I'll have to fight the Death Eaters one way or another. I'd like it to be this way."

Ignoring her mother's anxious eyes that she knew were on her, Tonks looked hard at Sirius Black. Under the grime and the tangle of hair, he grinned.

"You'd better come with me, then."

"What, now?"

"What's wrong? Got other plans? Boyfriend waiting? Changed your mind?"

"No!" she said with determination.

"Then let's go."

And before her very eyes, without a word of warning, he had transformed into a great, shaggy black dog. Overcoming her initial surprise, Tonks had followed him through the hall, tripped over a rug, and gone out into the street. He had led her straight to Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, which had then not yet been placed under the protection of the _Fidelius_ charm, and she had entered his old family home with a mild sense awe and anxiety, and a strong feeling of excitement throbbing in her veins. And then she had been struck suddenly, unexpectedly, by something she had never imagined - like a bolt of lightning.

Notoriously clumsy as she was, Tonks was quite proud of herself for having made it as far as the end of the hall without knocking anything over. Then a voice said Sirius's name just behind her, and she whirled round, cockshyed a table and stumbled headlong into the person who had spoken.

"Oh! Ouch! Oh no! Why do these things always happen to me? I'm sorry, really, I ..."

"It's all right. No harm done."

His voice was gentle, and a little hoarse. He helped her straighten herself up and smiled. Maybe it was because she had fallen straight into his arms, or just his voice alone, or the faint air of sorrow that hung about that smile, the way his light-brown hair streaked with grey hung over his eyes or his eyes themselves, weary but kind - Tonks never knew why, but from the first moment she met Remus Lupin, she felt closer to him than she had ever felt to anyone. It had not been, then, what she imagined people meant when they used the expression 'love at first sight'. It had been, rather, a sense of contentment, of security, of being in the presence of someone who would know just the right words to say at any given moment, and just the right thing to do.

"It's your own fault, anyway," Sirius said gruffly. "You shouldn't have sneaked up on us like that."

"I'm sorry."

"Well," said Sirius, "while we're at it - Moony, I couldn't get Cousin Andromeda to back up the cause, but her daughter volunteered instead, and here she is. Yes, the very same little imp that drooled strawberry sundae all over my best hole-ridden jeans that day at Fortescue's."

"Seriously?" Remus asked, staring at Tonks in amazement now.

"Would I lie to my best friend? So, let's go down to the kitchen, shall we, and get to work?"

"Err ..." Tonks murmured, but Sirius was already hurrying down the staircase, so there was nothing for it, she would just have to ask. "So you are ...?"

"Remus Lupin," he said.

"Oh, so you're the werewolf!"

The words were out of her mouth before she knew it. She bit her lip, afraid of his reaction. But after a moment's surprise, he smiled again.

"I suppose your mother told you about Sirius and his odd friends? Yes. I'm the werewolf. And you're little Nymphadora."

"Please, do me a favour and drop the 'little'. And the 'Nymphadora', too. Just call me Tonks."

"If that's what you want, of course. But it's a pretty name."

"Whose side are you on?" she demanded lightly.

Yes, it had all begun so pleasantly. She had liked him from the start, and she had sensed that he liked her. If only it could have stayed that way. If only she hadn't gone and spoiled it all by falling for him in earnest.


	3. Just Good Friends

Chapter 3: Just Good Friends

Tonks walked towards the front door of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, her footsteps making unpleasant, squelching noises in the sleet, and pulled her coat and muffler tighter around her, wishing fervently that January would hurry up and give way to some pleasanter month - such as July or August. She kicked at a lump of snow and immediately lost her balance, slipped and landed on her backside with a yell. While she was still sitting there, all wet and cold and muttering heartfelt curses under her breath, the front door opened and Remus apppeared.

"Tonks!" he exclaimed, hurrying towards her.

"Wotcher, Remus," she replied dully. "I did it again."

"Are you all right?" he asked, helping her to her feet.

"Right as rain - and about as wet, too. I'll probably end up with a couple of bruises you-know-where as well, but don't get your hopes up that I might ask you to examine them."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he said with a laugh.

For some odd reason, this response on his part caused her a faint pang of regret. She pushed it aside and clung on to him as he guided her over the slippery ground and into the hallway.

"Cheers," she said, shaking snow onto the carpet and feeling her toes beginning to thaw.

He smiled, pulling the woollen hat off her head to reveal a tangle of orange curls.

"What's the occasion?" he asked cheerfully. "Are you getting into the mood for Halloween early this year, or is pink just not the colour of the season?"

"Very funny," she replied through chattering teeth.

Becoming more serious, Remus suggested,

"You'd better go upstairs and get out of those wet clothes. I'll bring up some hot cocoa."

"That's thoughtful of you, Remus, but this lot here -" she indicated her clothes "- is all I've got with me."

"Well, I know you like things baggy. Help yourself to anything you can find in my suitcase."

"Oh goodie," she said, brightening up a little and rubbing her hands. "That sounds fun."

"Don't get too excited, there's not that much for choice. Oh, and Tonks," he called after her as she started up the stairs.

"What?"

"If you're thinking of lighting the fire, make sure you roll up the carpet first, and put all my books by the opposite wall, please."

He winked, and she stuck out her tongue at him.

A short while later, Tonks was sitting on the bed in Remus's room wearing an old, frayed sweater of his that was so big for her that it was as long as a nightshirt. She had lit a fire and was comfortably twiddling her toes in the warmth, picking absent-mindedly at a loose thread of the blanket when there was a soft knock on the door.

"In you come!" she called.

Remus entered, carrying two steaming mugs of cocoa. Tonks sat up, intending to come and help him, but he shook his head.

"I think you'd better stay safely where you are. This is hot."

Tonks obeyed with a sigh, and waited for him to set one mug down on the dressing table beside her. He pulled up a chair and sat down, smiling.

"What are you looking so pleased about?" Tonks wanted to know.

"Nothing in particular."

"Hm."

She picked up her mug of cocoa and warmed the palms of her hands against it, staring down into the brown fluid, but very much aware that Remus was still smiling at her. She thought back to the first time she had met him, when she had been struck by that hint of sorrow in each of his smiles. There had been something appealing about that. Did he still smile that way? She turned her head to find out, and discovered with a good deal of surprise that his smile now was not quite the one she remembered. Just now, in this short moment, the sadness seemed to have gone completely as he sat watching her. Tonks smiled back at him, for the first time aware of a certain shyness creeping over her that made her shiver despite the warmth of the fire and the cocoa. Remus must have noticed it at once, because he said,

"Are you still cold? Here, wrap this round your legs."

And he got up out of the chair and put down his mug and sat on the edge of the bed, and he leaned over her to get hold of the other side of the blanket and pull it across her. As he tucked it in around her, for one brief instant his hand brushed the bare side of her leg, and Tonks shivered again, though at the same time she was sure her face must be turning red with the heat rising to her cheeks. Remus rose again, all too soon for her liking, and walked over to the fire with his back to her. She had no idea whether he had felt anything when she had, whether he knew what that breath of a touch had just done to her. Probably not. What was she to him but just a good friend?


	4. Too Fond

Chapter 4: Too Fond

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Tonks asked anxiously as she turned around on the threshold to say goodbye.

Remus raised one eyebrow and gave her an ironic look. She said with a little heat,

"You know what I mean."

"I have been transforming at least twelve times a year for over thirty years, Tonks," he said, not unkindly.

"I know, it just seems so - rotten that you have to be on your own every time."

"I wouldn't have it any other way, you know that. Besides, Sirius is in the house if I need anything."

Tonks gave a snort. "And a fat lot of good he'd be! All he does all day is chuck whisky down his hatch or lock himself away with Buckbeak and a pile of dead rats."

"He's not had it easy, Tonks," Remus reminded her gently. "He loves freedom, and he's been denied it for too long."

"I know," she admitted, softening grudgingly. "I just don't think he should be drowning himself in his own misery when he should be helping you."

"I don't need help. I can manage."

She looked up at him doubtfully, but in return he just stood there, waiting for her to leave. Only she didn't want to leave. She wanted to stay with him, to hold him tight and give him comfort during this night that she knew would be a horror for him, however much he claimed he was used to it. She let out a deep, inward sigh. Had he no idea how she felt? Then she caught a flicker in his eyes. They softened. Quietly and almost - her heart skipped - almost tenderly he said to her,

"It's all right, Nymphadora. Go home."

He'd used that name again, even though he knew she hated it. The funny thing was, coming from him, it wasn't so bad. She hesitated a moment longer. Then she nodded and said,

"Okay. See you tomorrow then."

"Goodbye."

Tonks turned around and walked down the steps. For once, she wished she would have one of her clumsy accidents again, then he would have to come and help her to her feet, he would have no choice but to touch her, and then perhaps ... But as usual, when she wanted an accident to happen, none did. She walked safely across the square and disapparated, knowing that he had long since closed the door after her.

Remus returned slowly to the kitchen, his mind working on the night's plan. He had about an hour to go, he judged. He didn't need to check the time because he sensed the approach of the full moon, and he would know when it was time to lock himself up in his room and tuck everything he held dear in his suitcase.

"Well, did you see her safely to the door?" Sirius asked, looking up from the bottle of firewhisky that stood on the table in front of him.

Remus nodded and sat down opposite his old friend, frowning as Sirius took another gulp.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" he asked cautiously, wary of Sirius's temper.

"Enough of what, exactly? If you mean being cooped up in this dump with no one for company but a miserable example of a house-elf, my mother's screeching portrait and an old chum who sees fit to lecture me at every opportunity - yes, I think I've had enough of that."

"I'm not trying to lecture you, Sirius. I'm concerned, that's all. And I'm not the only one."

"Damned right, you're not. There's a lot of _concern_ floating about in this place these days. You could say it's dripping off the walls. And a lot of it's aimed at you."

Remus shook his head. "There's no need for that."

"I don't know," said Sirius, slumping a little further over the table. "I think maybe there is. I hate to agree with Molly over anything, but in this case I'm starting to think she might be right. You've got a problem, Moony, old man. At least, knowing you, I assume it's a problem."

"What do you mean?"

Sirius raised his bottle towards the door, and the staircase beyond it. When Remus still looked uncomprehending, he sighed.

"Tonks, of course. Surely even you must have realised by now she's fallen for you."

Remus stared at Sirius while the latter went on drinking, apparently oblivious.

"You're not serious," he said at last. "Sirius - you don't mean that, do you? You're making fun of me."

Examining the now empty bottle of firewhisky, Sirius got to his feet unsteadily to fetch a new one, saying as he went,

"I'm past making fun of anyone, Remus. I mean it all right. Heard of the term 'smitten'? That's Tonks. Head over heels. Completely bowled over. Crazy about you."

Shaking his head in confusion and frustration, Remus said sharply, "Stop it!"

Sirius uncorked his new bottle and sat back down again. There was a long pause. Finally Remus said purposefully,

"I don't believe it. Tonks is just a girl. I'm - what - thirteen years older than she is. And just look at me. She couldn't possibly care about me. Why should she?"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "Who knows why girls do anything? Personally, I think you're wrong to question her motives for picking on you, and start thinking about what you're going to do about it."

"Do?"

"Of course. Come on, Remus, it's not that difficult to realise that it's up to you to decide whether you're going to let this lead to anything or not! I mean, to put it in a nutshell: are you interested, or aren't you?"

Remus thought for a moment, then he said quietly, "I've no right to be."

Sirius looked up, his grey eyes surprisingly sharp in that instant. Then he began to chuckle.

"You haven't changed a bit, have you, Remus? You always were the most stubborn, the most self-sacrificing idiot I ever met! Can't you just out and admit for once that you're in love with a girl and make the most of it? Hell, if I was you and thought a girl like Tonks was even close to fancying me, do you think I'd hesitate to show her what kind of a man I am?"

"No, I don't suppose you would. You always were reckless and thoughtless. You'd give her what _you_ wanted for one night without a single thought for the consequences. I can't do that. I have to consider what I am, and what I could offer her. And the answer is nothing."

"As to that, you'd have to ask Tonks what she thinks you can offer her. I'm just a man, Remus. Just a bitter escaped convict who feels like he's back in prison again. I don't know much about what you've been up to these past years while I was in Azkaban, but I'm willing to bet it wasn't much. They locked me away against my will and surrounded me with Dementors, but you locked yourself away, didn't you? And now here we are, me back in prison, you still in the one you made for yourself. Now I don't have a chance to escape from mine right now, but you, Remus ... You've just been offered the key. I know you want to do what's right and honourable and protect everyone else from your hard luck. But I'm sure it's not good for you. By making yourself unreachable, you've surrounded yourself with your own private army of Dementors, sucking away at your soul. And if you don't use that key now, while you still can, you might not get another chance. You know that, don't you?"

Finally, with a long sigh, Remus nodded. "I know. And I realise you mean well, Sirius, but this is my decision, and I've no intention of changing my mind. I don't believe Tonks can care about me the way you claim she does, and if she did - it wouldn't be right. I couldn't burden her with what I am. I'm too fond of her to do that to her."

"What did I say?" Sirius muttered into his bottle. "Stubborn, self-sacrificing idiot." And he took another long draught.


	5. A Little Kindness

Chapter 5: A Little Kindness

The bright sunlight pouring in through the window stung at Remus's eyes, aggravating his headache. He looked around him. He was lying on the floor of his bedroom at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, on the morning after the full moon. Thanks to the Wolfsbane Potion, once the transformation had been over, he had slept peacefully, curled up on the hearth rug, and the only things wrong with him now were his throbbing head and the usual nausea he suffered from every month. He thought of getting up, but found it too strenuous. Not yet. He would lie here a little while longer. There was no need to make himself presentable to anyone today, he could stay in his room all day if he liked.

A knock on the door remedied that thought. He did not reply to it at once. Maybe, if he said nothing, whoever it was would go away. But the knock was repeated, and then the door opened by a couple of inches and a familiar face peeked in at him. Pale, heart-shaped, anxious.

"Remus?"

He looked up wearily. "Good morning, Tonks."

She smiled uncertainly. "Wotcher. Molly asked me to look in on you and find out if you're ready for a spot of breakfast."

"Molly?"

"Uh-huh. She came up to London with Arthur - he's on guard duty today - and I think she's made it her mission to give you a special treat to make up for last night."

Remus shook his head. Being made a fuss of was not what he had wanted to wake up to. However, he realised there was no escaping Molly Weasley when she wanted to do you some good. He tried to push himself up off the floor. Seeing him struggle, Tonks quickly covered the distance between them and lodged her shoulder under his arm to help him. She supported him as far as the bed, and sat down beside him.

"Thanks," he murmured.

Tonks studied him from the side and said eventually,

"I thought you'd been taking the potion Snape made."

"I have."

"Then he must have got it wrong. You don't look too good."

Remus gave a dry laugh. "The potion stops me from becoming dangerous to others when I transform. It doesn't make the transformation itself any more pleasant. In fact, all it really does is make me more aware of it."

"That explains it," Tonks said dully.

Her fingers carefully plucked at a rip in his shirt sleeve, and her eyes suddenly widened.

"You're bleeding!" she exclaimed.

"Yes." He didn't seem surprised or particularly concerned. "I'll have to clean myself up a bit before I face Mother Molly." He turned his face towards her and smiled. "I see you've changed your hair back to pink again. I like it. It suits you."

"Don't change the subject," Tonks scolded.

Without thinking about what she was doing, quite automatically and naturally, she raised her hand and brushed a couple of grey and light-brown strands of hair out of his eyes. Immediately, Remus's smile faded. The conversation he had had with Sirius last night came back to him. He wondered fleetingly if he should mention it to her, but then decided that that would only embarrass them both. Sitting next to her now, so innocently, and seeing again just how young and alive and colourful she was, he couldn't believe that anything Sirius had said was true, anyway. No girl like Tonks could possibly have feelings for a man like him. He felt a secret pang of regret at the thought that there could never be more between them than friendship and a little kindness, then reminded himself that after all, it was for the best.


	6. The Unthinkable

Chapter 6: The Unthinkable

Remus descended the steps to the inner pit of the Death Chamber with a weary tread. He stood for several minutes, staring at the crumbling archway with its tattered veil through which Sirius had fallen, seeing it happen over and over again in his mind's eye.

_He can't come back. He can't come back, because he's ... he's ..._

He couldn't quite say it, not even to himself. Perhaps, if he didn't say it, he could pretend it hadn't happened.

_It's not fair. Twelve years. Twelve years he spent in Azkaban, and he was innocent. He loved freedom, and spent his life in prison. He loved life, and now ..._

Alone again. James, Lily, Peter - lost. Sirius, too, and for the second time. No one left to call his best friend, no one to talk to, no one to turn to. Back to the way things had always been ...

"Tonks!" Kingsley Shacklebolt's booming, though slightly groggy voice broke into his thoughts like thunder.

"Tonks!" the auror repeated. "Mad-Eye, have you seen her?"

"Eh? Oh ... over there somewhere. She was fighting the Lestrange woman."

"Tonks! Tonks!"

Suddenly, Remus found himself looking around him, frantically and wordlessly. Where had she been standing? He had seen her, as Moody had said, fighting Bellatrix. Just there. Remus began leaping up the steep steps as fast as his legs would carry him, even as Kingsley crouched down in between two rows of benches, looking concerned. He skidded to a halt and the auror looked up at him. Kingsley's hand was resting at the side of the young woman's neck. Remus asked a question with his eyes, and the other man answered quickly.

"She's alive. Must have cracked her head against the stone behind her though, judging from the blood."

Remus gave in to his shaky legs and dropped onto the bench. For one horrible moment, he had thought ... no, he wouldn't allow himself to repeat it. He looked down at Tonks, limp and unmoving at his feet, a pool of blood under her pink-haired head, and he leaned forward and took her hand.

"We must get her to St. Mungo's," he heard himself say hoarsely.

"Yes. Will you take her?"

Remus looked up at Kingsley to answer him, but just then both of them were distracted by the return of Albus Dumbledore. He was looking particularly old and weary at that moment, but he waved away all words of concern and said tiredly,

"It's all right. I am not hurt, and neither is Harry."

"And Voldemort?" Kingsley enquired.

"Escaped."

The auror lowered his bald head.

"Where's Harry?" Remus asked.

"I have sent him back to Hogwarts," the headmaster replied.

"Then I must go there at once," said Remus, getting to his feet.

But Dumbledore placed a hand on his shoulder and shook his head. "Not now, Remus. I will take care of Harry myself. To have you present would, I regret to say, only distract him at this time, I think. Your place is here for now."

He glanced significantly down at the figure on the floor in front of them, and Remus nodded slowly. He slipped an arm gently under Tonks's shoulders and the other under her legs and held her carefully. Then he took a deep breath and disapparated with her, straight to St. Mungo's. The healers were quick to take her off his hands, and soon she was bedded down comfortably with her wounds taken care of, and they told him not to worry, that she would wake the next morning and there was no reason for him to wait.

But Remus found he could not leave her. Not after the Death Chamber, not when she was injured and unaware of what had happened, not when he had been so afraid for one awful moment that he had lost her, too. He sat by her bed and allowed himself the comfort of holding her hand while she slept and knew nothing of it. And in the darkness he saw again the dais with the archway of stone and the black veil, and Sirius's body arched back, falling, and he tightened his hold on Tonks's hand.


	7. Seeking Comfort

Chapter 7: Seeking Comfort

Tonks took great care to appear her usual, sunshiny self as she stood at King's Cross with the others, waving goodbye to Harry. But no sooner had he passed out of sight than her eyes flickered back to the face of the man beside her, and her heart ached to see how drawn and tired he appeared.

"Are you going straight back to Grimmauld Place?" she asked in a would-be casual tone.

Remus shook his head. "Not just yet. We can't be sure whether it's safe now that Sirius ... Well. For all we know, Kreacher may belong to the Malfoys now, or Bellatrix Lestrange. And if the house has passed into their possession too, then the _Fidelius _charm could be worthless."

He started walking towards the exit and Tonks walked beside him.

"But you've already been back there, haven't you?" she said quietly.

"Yes," he confessed. "How did you know?"

"When you left me at St. Mungo's, you had that look about you. Stubborn. Like you were going to go and do something you knew you shouldn't be doing."

His only reaction to her statement was to clench his jaws more tightly. Tonks persisted.

"What were you doing there?"

"Just thinking."

"About Sirius?"

He was silent. They turned a corner into a narrow, deserted street, and kept on walking. After a little while, Tonks said,

"Do you have any feelings at all, Remus?"

The remark hit him so unexpectedly that he stopped to look at her. Tonks stopped too and faced him steadily.

"What do you mean? Of course I have feelings."

"You never show them."

"What would be the use?"

"I don't know. It might make you seem more - human." His face became startled, and she reddened and said hurriedly, "Oh, I didn't mean ... not _that_! It's just that ... you can be so calm and possessed sometimes that it drives me mad. And I think there's got to be more to you than you ever show, no one can be as unshaken by what happened at the Ministry as you seem to be, and you were his closest friend, too. Look at me. I'm trembling, I'm bursting to scream and yell and bawl my eyes out, and I barely knew him! Why the hell can't you do that? Why can't you let go for once and show me what you feel? Shout at me, if you like. Blame me, I don't care. Just show me - something!"

"Tonks," he said gently, and tried to hold her by the shoulders, but she shook him off and glared at him, so he let his arms drop. With a sigh, he said, "I have spent much of my life practising control. Ever since my first transformation, I have hated the feeling of losing control over myself, and so I learned not to. I can assure you though, I do grieve, in my own way. But why should you think that I want to shout at you, to blame you? No one could blame you for anything."

"Why not? I blame myself!"

She turned abruptly away and began walking again. He hurried to catch up to her, caught her by the shoulder and made her turn round and look at him.

"Why?" he asked, and through that one word she could tell that he really didn't know, that he didn't understand what she was feeling or thinking, not in the slightest, and her eyes stung dangerously.

"It was my fault, Remus," she said bitterly. "I was fighting the woman - my own aunt. And everyone relied on me to take her down and keep her off their backs, she was my responsibility. But I let her beat me. She knocked me out, and then she fought Sirius instead and she killed him, and it was my fault because I should have taken care of her! And now - now you've lost your best friend for the second time because of me, and you won't even be angry with me for it and make it easier!"

"Easier?" he repeated, puzzled. "How would that make it easier for you?"

"I don't know!" Tonks cried. "I don't know how or why, I only know that it would. I just want ... I want to know that you care!"

She broke out in floods of tears now and hated herself for it. She tried to turn her face away from him, but it was no use.

"Nymphadora," he said gently, and pulled her towards him.

He put his arms around her and she wrapped hers around his neck and sobbed bitterly. He said and did nothing, just stood there with her in his arms and waited for the flood to pass. Tonks buried her face deeper and deeper into his shoulder, feeling herself tremble and feeling his heartbeat against her chest, calm and reassuring. She felt the warmth of his skin against her cheek and pressed closer still and somehow, suddenly, without having planned it, she found his lips and kissed him hungrily.

Almost immediately, after the tiniest of delays, the briefest second when she had dared to hope, he stiffened and pushed her away from him. Not roughly, but gently, carefully, almost as though he knew how much he was hurting her. Tonks waited breathlessly for him to say something, but he just looked at her. It seemed to her for one wild, crazy moment as though he were indecisive, as though she might have struck a chord with him somewhere, deep inside. But then his features closed and became as still and unfathomable as ever, and he turned and started walking again. Tonks felt anger rise up inside her, and she shouted after him.

"Stop right this minute! Don't leave me standing here like this! Remus Lupin, don't you dare turn your back on me!"

To her surprise, he really did stop, and he really did turn round and walk slowly back to her. Even more surprising, he took her hand. Then he smiled. She wondered if he could have chosen anything more painful to do, for in that smile she saw again the same sadness that had been in the first smile he had ever given her.

"You're excited, Nymphadora," he said. "And you're upset. It's only natural you should look for - comfort. But I'm afraid you won't find it with me."

She shook her head vigorously. "You're wrong. I won't find it anywhere else."

"Why, Tonks?" he asked, and ironically it almost hurt her that he had stopped calling her by the name she hated. "Why pick on me?"

"Pick on you?" she exclaimed. "_Pick_ on you? Do you think I chose to feel this way? Do you think I said to myself 'It's time I found a boyfriend, but it had better be someone difficult, someone who doesn't want me'? Do you think I haven't guessed, for a long time, that I would probably only be disappointed? That you couldn't possibly care about me the way - the way I care about you? I didn't mean for this to happen, Remus. It just did. I ... I fell in love with you."

He took a step back from her, and for once she got what she wanted. She had caught him unawares with that last remark, he was practically reeling.

"You don't know what you're saying, Tonks," he reasoned, sounding confused. "Love is a very strong word."

"I know. And I wouldn't use it lightly," she told him firmly. "I love you, Remus. And nothing you can say or do will change that. Even if you don't like me ..."

"Of course I like you."

"Well, even if you don't return my feelings, which I suppose I never really expected you to, I ..."

She broke off suddenly. There was something about his expression that silenced her, left her at a loss for words. A fleeting impression she had of indescribable misery. And somehow she knew what his answer would be before he spoke, and she begged him not to. But he said it.

"It isn't that, Nymphadora. It isn't that I don't care, that I don't return your feelings, that I don't love you. It's ... it's because I care that I have to say this can't go anywhere beyond just now. Because I never want to hurt you. I want you to be happy."

"But that's what I want, too. I want for us both to be happy, together!"

"But we can't be. I am thirteen years older than you ..."

"Who cares?"

He ignored her and went on, "I've no money. I own little more than the clothes that I stand up in ..."

"And me. You own me. And I don't need money, I don't need anything else but you."

"Nymphadora, I am a werewolf!" he cried, and she was so shocked to hear him raise his voice to her that she could think of nothing more to say for a moment. He went on more quietly, but urgently and sharply, "I'm a werewolf," he repeated. "And you have no idea what that means. Do you think I want you to have to find out? That I could bear the thought of what a danger I'd be to you? Or that I could ever live with myself if anything happened to you because of me?"

She looked at him intently, and spoke as softly as she might to a small child,

"I understand all of that, but it doesn't make the slightest difference to how I feel. What I care about is what's in here." She laid her hand at his heart. "All the rest is unimportant."

He shook his head slowly. "No. I can't do it. I can't let _you_ throw your life away like this. A life that's only just beginning. You should go ahead and live it and be happy and carefree and all the things I can't be."

And with these words, he turned and walked away without hesitating or looking back. Tonks stood paralysed for a moment, then she yelled after him just before he disappeared round the bend,

"How am I supposed to be happy without you!"


	8. Clearing Up

Chapter 8: Clearing Up

"Are you sure you don't want any help?" Molly Weasley offered half-heartedly, torn between wanting to get back home to her children and all the work that awaited her there, and Remus Lupin, who was looking more dejected than she had ever seen him as he pored over the papers on the table in front of him.

"I'll be all right," he assured her. "Thank you, Molly."

Still hesitant, but secretly relieved, Molly nodded and left, closing the door behind her. The kitchen was empty now but for Remus and Tonks, who was standing in the corner, drumming her fingers on the oven, and looking strained, her hair a pale shade of lavender today.

"Why don't you leave that until some other time?" she suggested after Molly had been gone a few minutes.

"I'd rather get it over with as quickly as possible. I know I could take these home with me, but if I do that I'll only start avoiding them, and they'll never get sorted properly."

"I could help you," Tonks offered, taking a step towards the table where he sat.

He looked around at her and smiled weakly. "Thank you, but I can manage."

He returned to his task, but Tonks did not let up.

"You shouldn't be doing this," she persisted. "You should be getting a rest, taking some time, letting others take care of this stuff while you ... while you get over what's happened."

He stiffened for a second, his hand hovering over a sheet of parchment he had been about to lay aside. Then he proceeded with what he had been about to do.

"I'm all right."

"No, you're not!" Tonks said, her voice becoming heated now. She spoke more quickly as she came closer still, until she stood right beside him. "However stubbornly you bury your feelings, it's worst for you, it has to be. Worse even than it is for Harry. How well did he know Sirius, really? You knew him best. He was your best friend. You found him again two years ago only to lose him, and I know you like to grieve 'in your own way', but you have to take time to do that."

"I've lost him before," Remus said with apparent calm, though his hand shook slightly and he was no longer seeing the writing in front of him.

"But it's worse this time, isn't it? Because last time you thought he was a traitor, you thought he'd betrayed your best friends and killed all those people, but this time you know he was innocent."

When Remus said nothing in reply, Tonks put a hand on his shoulder. He rose as abruptly as if she had struck him with something, and walked a few paces away from her.

"Don't," he said, his voice oddly constricted. "I'd rather you didn't."

Tonks said softly, "But I want to help you. I want to be close to you"

He looked at her, that sad little smile returning for a moment as he looked into her face, so sympathetic, so solicitous.

"That's kind of you, Nymphadora, but ..."

"Kind?" she repeated sardonically. "You know I'm not just being kind. Remus ..."

"Please don't bring it up again," he begged. "You've got to move on."

"But I can't move on. I can't help it," Tonks went on urgently. "I've liked you from the moment we met. And then I began to feel - warm whenever you were around. Like I wanted to smile without really knowing why. I feel lost without you, I don't know what to do with myself. Remus ..."

She took a step towards him, but he shrank back.

"I've told you before," he said. "I'm not the right man for you. You're young and attractive and full of life and I'm much older than you, I have no livelihood and I'm ..."

"I know what you are. I knew before I ever met you, but it didn't stop this happening to me. Being a werewolf is something you can't help, it's - just a disease that can't be cured, it isn't the real you. This is you, standing here now, right here. The man I fell in love with and will stay in love with until I die."

Remus shook his head slowly, still not looking at her. "You should find someone more worthy of your love, Nymphadora. Someone who can offer you the kind of life you should have."

"There isn't anyone more worthy in the whole world!" she said with almost childish certainty.

In spite of himself, Remus smiled and looked at her. She challenged him at once,

"Tell me now, Remus, once and for all: do you love me, or don't you?"

He grew sombre again at once. Avoiding her eyes once more, he said very quietly, and very simply,

"Oh yes."

"Then say it out loud. Say it and we can ..."

"No, Tonks!"

His voice became at once firm and he looked at her, not unkindly, but with what was now most definitely sorrow, and also determination. Tonks stopped, halted in her tracks as she had started coming towards him once more, her eyes wide and fearful.

"Don't say it," she pleaded quietly. "Please, don't say it."

"But I must say it," he replied very gently. "The answer must be no, again. For your sake, I can't allow myself to love you. I'm no good for you. You deserve better."

"Remus, please ..." she whispered, her voice breaking now. She came right up to him and clutched his sleeve.

He took her hand and gently prised his sleeve away from her, looking deeply hurt as he did so.

"Please stop making this harder on us both than it has to be," he said. "Just go. It's better if we don't draw this out. If we never speak of it again."

"But ..." Tonks started to object, but just at that moment the kitchen door was opened from the other side, and she turned away from it at the same time as Remus walked hurriedly back to the table, then turned an enquiring look towards the door.

"Severus," he said, keeping his voice as light as he could.

Severus Snape looked from one to the other of them, his black eyes full of keen interest and suspicion. They settled at last on the back of Tonks's bowed head, and the familiar sneer spread across his mouth.

"I did not wish to interrupt," he began, though he made no attempt to hide from his voice the fact that he was glad to have done just that. "But it is time we left. The headmaster is expecting us at Hogwarts, and he does not wish us to spend any more time here than is absolutely necessary. If you have finished with those papers, Lupin ..."

"I haven't," Remus replied quickly, starting to gather them up. "But I can continue to go through them at home."

Snape nodded. He cast one curious glance at Tonks, then departed the way he had come. Remus continued to gather the papers under his arm, then he too headed towards the door. As though aware that she had turned around to face him, he paused in the doorway and looked back at Tonks.

"I ..." he began, but she interrupted him.

"No, don't say you're sorry," she said, and her voice sounded firmer than it had done before, though a tear was still trickling down her cheek. "I know you think you're doing the right thing. But I also know you're wrong, and I won't let you do this to us. I don't intend to let it lie. I'm going to keep on telling you I love you, as many times as it takes ..."

"I thought I'd explained ..."

"You have, but you're making a mistake. And if you think I'm letting some silly prejudices stand in the way of what we feel ..."

"It's not about prejudices, it's about what's best for you. Can't you see that's all I want?"

"Yes, I can see that," Tonks said more softly. "But you don't know what's best for me. Well, you will. In time, I know you will. I'll make you see. I'll ..."

She broke off, in danger of bursting into tears once more. Without another word, she brushed right past him into the corridor and out of sight, leaving him to call after her, a note of worry in his voice,

"Nymphadora! Tonks, where are you going?"

He dropped onto a seat and stared at the doorway for a moment, then moved his eyes to look at Sirius's usual seat instead. He shook his head.

"I should have listened to you, old friend," he murmured. "You were right, but I refused to believe it. I should have paid you more attention. I should have done something about it, told her much sooner there was no chance. Oh god ..."

He gave himself a jerk, stood up and left.


	9. What A Werewolf Must Do

Chapter 9: What a Werewolf Must Do

The kitchen of The Burrow was emptying gradually. Arthur and Bill had left for work and Mundungus was just sidling out of the door under Molly Weasley's stern eyes and reprimands. Tonks was absent-mindedly drawing circles on the table with her knife and Molly, having seen Mundungus safely out of her kitchen, sat down opposite her and studied her sympathetically.

"Sure you won't have a cup of tea, dear?" she asked for the umpteenth time.

"No thanks, Molly," said Tonks glumly. "I should be getting to work myself."

"Do you really think you ought to go in today? You don't look well. Maybe you'd be better off in bed. I could fix up Ginny's room for you."

Tonks shook her mousy brown head. "I'm all right," she said. "It's just ... just ..."

"I know what it is. You're worried, aren't you? Well, I can't say I blame you. I would be too, if it was Arthur. But dear, you've got to tell yourself ..."

"What are you talking about?" Tonks asked, genuinely surprised. "What should I be worrying about?"

Molly became flustered. "You mean you're not ... this isn't because ... Why, don't you _know_?"

"Know what? Molly? Molly, what is it?" Tonks questioned, her anxiety growing with every heartbeat.

Awkwardly, Molly began telling her, "Well, it's just that Albus came round the other night while Remus was here and gave him a new mission. He said it was up to Remus whether he took it on or not, of course, but you know Remus ... he accepted, naturally, and he's starting today."

"Starting what?"

"Going to a meeting of werewolves. Under Fenrir Greyback."

Tonks felt as though she might faint. She dropped her knife with a clutter and stared at Molly, speechless. Then she leapt to her feet, knocking over her chair, and ran out of the kitchen door, letting it bang shut behind her before Molly had even started calling her name.

Remus was just securing his wand to his belt when the banging started on his door. He stood close to it and asked cautiously,

"Who's there?"

"It's me, open this bloody door at once!" yelled the voice of Nymphadora Tonks.

He obeyed reluctantly and was not surprised when she stormed right past him into the dim hall and turned her blazing eyes on him.

"How could you!" she screamed. "How could you decide to do this without talking to me, without so much as telling me about it!"

"Nymphadora ..."

"Don't call me that!" she snapped. "If you can't show concern for my feelings in any other way, at least be good enough not to call me by a name I hate!"

"Tonks, I didn't want you to worry ..."

"Worry? Worry! Why should I worry about you, what's the point? You don't worry about breaking my heart, why should I worry if you're so keen on breaking your neck!"

"Come here," he said gently and stepped towards her.

Tonks tried to twist out of his reach, but he had her in his arms too quickly and she couldn't fight him like this, not when she could feel his precious warmth flooding her every nerve.

"Please don't do this," she begged meekly, tightening one fist round his jacket. "If they find out what you're doing, they'll kill you."

"Perhaps," he said slowly, "that would be for the best. Then you could really be free."

She pushed him away from her angrily. "Go ahead and get yourself killed, then, if you're so eager!" she screamed, and flung herself out the door in tears.


	10. Mousy Brown

Chapter 10: Mousy-Brown

Tonks apparated in the yard of The Burrow and walked slowly up to the kitchen door. She hesitated before knocking. It was late and she wasn't even sure if Molly would still be up. With a slight shock Tonks realised that she didn't know what she would do if Molly had already gone to bed. She wanted company, she wanted comfort, and there was no one else she could really talk to. It would take too much explaining if she went to her mother now, and she didn't have the energy to convince her chosen wailing wall of the desperation inside her before she began to vent it. So she stroked her hair - which still persistently refused to let her change its depressing natural colour of mousy-brown even by a shade - out of her eyes and knocked. She breathed a sigh of relief when Molly's voice called,

"Who is it?"

"Wotcher, Molly. It's me, Tonks."

"Oh. Err ... well, what's the deepest desire of your heart?"

This was the question they had agreed upon a while back, so that Molly could be sure it was her. But to her own dismay, Tonks found herself unable to answer, instead erupting in a fit of tears that led Molly to open the door anyway. She was wearing an old green dressing-gown and exclaimed at once,

"Tonks, my dear, what on earth is the matter?"

"Molly, I want ... I wondered ... can I come in?" Tonks sobbed.

"Of course, dear," said Molly warmly, putting one arm around her and leading her into the kitchen. "Here, sit down," she said, helping the younger woman off with her cloak and guiding her to a chair. "You're just in time for a nice, steaming mug of tea," she went on, fetching the promised beverage, placing it in front of Tonks and sitting down beside her.

"Thanks, Molly," said Tonks gloomily, staring at the brown fluid. "I'm sorry to burst in on you like this."

"Don't worry about it. I'm always glad to see you. And if there's anything I can do ...?"

Tonks shook her head miserably. "I don't see that there's anything anyone can do. Not when a man's so stubborn."

"Remus?" Molly guessed. "Did you talk to him about this new mission of his?"

"Sort of," muttered Tonks. "I more like ... yelled at him."

Molly gave a small smile. "Sometimes that's the best way if you want to catch a man's attention."

But Tonks shook her head. "It didn't do any good. He just tried to calm me down. He didn't talk to me, he didn't explain anything, he just said ... he said ... maybe it would be for the best if ... if they killed him!"

"He didn't!" Molly exclaimed as Tonks burst into another sobbing fit. She put her arms around Tonks comfortingly and stroked her mousy-brown hair.

"I love him," Tonks sobbed. "Why can't he just accept that?"

"He thinks," Molly said gently, "that he's doing what's best for you."

Tonks sat up abruptly. "So you're siding with him!" she cried.

"No, dear. I personally think he's being ridiculous, and I've told him so to his face. But I'm afraid, now that he's taken on this new mission for Dumbledore, he'll be even harder to convince than before. Did he tell you he's had to stop taking the potion because of it?"

Her eyes widening, Tonks shook her head.

"No, I thought he wouldn't have," Molly sighed. "Of course, that means he considers himself more dangerous to you than ever."

"But I don't care," Tonks whispered desperately. "I don't care about any of it, I just want him to love me. I don't want him to do this, it's dangerous, I don't want him to throw his life away."

Molly stroked the limp hair out of Tonks's eyes. "No one wants that. Don't give up yet, dear. I'll try talking to him again. I could get Arthur to have a word with him, man to man, that might help."

"Oh, please, I don't want to get Arthur involved as well."

"But he's already involved. We all are. Everyone's noticed you and Remus having long conversations in the kitchen, at the end of which you both look even more miserable than before you shut the door. This has got to stop. It's ridiculous, and I shall go on telling Remus so until he finally sees sense." She smiled encouragingly. "Drink up your tea, dear, and don't worry. We'll find a way to work this out."

Tonks gave a weak smile. "_Mother Molly_," she murmured. "He called you that once. It seems so long ago."

Molly patted her hand, then suddenly she stiffened as there was another knock on the back door.

"I wonder who that can be?" she wondered out loud. "Who's there?" she called through the closed door, getting to her feet. "Declare yourself!"

The answer came promptly. "It is I, Dumbledore, bringing Harry."

With a quick glance back at Tonks, Molly opened the door.

"Harry, dear!" she exclaimed. "Gracious, Albus, you gave me a fright, you said not to expect you before morning!"

"We were lucky," said the headmaster, standing aside to let Harry into the kitchen. "Slughorn proved much more persuadable than I had expected. Harry's doing, of course. Ah, hello, Nymphadora!"

At the sound of that hateful name spoken in the headmaster's warm, kind tones, Tonks clutched her mug of tea tightly between her hands and raised her mousy-brown head just a little. Harry looked somewhat surprised to see her there - and no doubt surprised to see her in this shape. Dumbledore, on the other hand, displayed no surprise at all.

"Hello, Professor," Tonks forced herself to say. "Wotcher, Harry."

"Hi, Tonks," said Harry.

"I'd better be off," Tonks said quickly, leaving her chair and reaching for her cloak. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly."

"Please don't leave on my account," Dumbledore put forward. "I cannot stay, I have urgent matters to discuss with Rufus Scrimgeour."

"No, no, I need to get going," Tonks insisted, avoiding the gaze of those penetrating eyes. "Night -"

"Dear," Molly Weasley began, "Why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming -?"

Remus. She could have dinner with Remus here, at The Burrow. Maybe talk to him again. Or let Arthur have a word with him ...

"No, really, Molly," she murmured. "... thanks anyway ... goodnight, everyone."

And she hurried past Dumbledore and Harry, quickly passing out into the yard, and disapparated.


	11. You Charmed The Heart Right Out Of Me

Chapter 11: You Charmed the Heart Right Out of Me

It was Christmas Eve. It should have been a cheerful day. There was no need to spend any more time with Greyback and his followers until after the holidays were over. Everyone had gathered at The Burrow for a nice time. Molly's cooking was as wonderful as ever. Harry was there. But Tonks wasn't.

This had been the first thing that Molly Weasley had informed him of, rather coldly, when he had arrived. He supposed he owed it to his weak and sickly appearance today that she had not berated him for long this time, merely made a few harsh comments and then fed him hot soup and cocoa. Of all things, cocoa. As if she had known about that day when Tonks had slipped in the sleet, and he had made her cocoa, and taken it up to where she was sitting on his bed, wearing his sweater.

Remus sat staring into the fire, which flickered and crackled with warmth just as the fire at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, had done on that day, and listened to the distant sounds of the people around him. Fleur talking volubly to Bill. The twins and Ginny playing Exploding Snap. Celestina Warbeck on the wireless, singing 'A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love'. He wondered if Molly's only motive for insisting on listening to this concert of love songs tonight had really been nostalgia alone, or whether she was determined to make him feel as guilty as possible.

_Oh, come and stir my cauldron,_

_And if you do it right_

_I'll boil you up some hot, strong love,_

_To keep you warm tonight._

Tonks, sitting on his bed, shivering until he covered her with the blanket. The soft, slightly tremulous touch of her skin against his fingers. Her big, dark eyes, sparkling in the firelight ...

Molly was saying something to Arthur now about having danced to this tune when they were eighteen, and Remus could not help but remember when he had been eighteen. When, with Sirius and James and Lily and Peter around him, he had met 'little Nymphadora' and they had gone to Fortescue's for ice-creams.

Harry's voice interrupted his thoughts briefly. He was asking Arthur something about work and Stan Shunpike. But then Celestina Warbeck started on a ballad, 'You Charmed the Heart Right Out of Me', and Remus found his thoughts drifting again.

_Oh, my poor heart, where has it gone?_

_It's left me for a spell ..._

He felt suddenly as though he would burst, both from wanting Nymphadora and from not wanting to let her close, for fear of hurting her. It was a sickening feeling, and just for a moment he wondered if it made her feel as weak and ill as it made him. But then he caught a name in Harry and Arthur's conversation, and he listened to them more closely.

"Has it occurred to you, Harry," Arthur was saying, "that Snape was simply pretending -"

"Pretending to offer help, so that he could find out what Malfoy's up to?" Harry said. "Yeah, I thought you'd say that. But how do we know?"

Tearing himself away from the fire and his own melancholy, Remus broke into their conversation, knowing that he must do so now or be left to dwell on his problems for the rest of the evening. Better to avoid that, better to focus on a bit of good, solid reasoning with Harry.

"It isn't our business to know," he said. "It's Dumbledore's business. Dumbledore trusts Severus, and that ought to be good enough for all of us."

"But," said Harry, "just say - just say Dumbledore's wrong about Snape -"

"People have said it, many times. It comes down to whether or not you trust Dumbledore's judgement. I do; therefore, I trust Severus."

Yes, safe ground indeed. No danger of drifting onto painful subjects here, and he could just ignore the music ... couldn't he?

_... and now you've torn it quite apart_

_I'll thank you to give back my heart!_


	12. The Changed Patronus

Chapter 12: The Changed Patronus

"Gravy, Fleur?" Ron offered eagerly at the dinner table during lunch on Christmas Day.

Disaster struck at once, the gravy bowl went flying and Bill was forced to effect a quick and elegant rescue. Fleur showered him with kisses before she turned back to Ron and commented,

"You are as bad as zat Tonks. She is always knocking -"

As if the jolt Remus had felt at just a single mention of her name alone hadn't been enough, the inevitable happened. Molly chimed in with enthusiasm.

"I invited _dear_ Tonks to come along today," she said, banging the carrots down on the table. "But she wouldn't come. Have you spoken to her lately, Remus?"

He hadn't. Not for two weeks. Two solid weeks without any kind of contact, let alone talking to her. He had thought it would do them good - but it was hard, horribly, horribly hard.

"No, I haven't been in contact with anybody very much," Remus managed to answer. "But Tonks has her own family to go to, hasn't she?"

Hasn't she? As if he didn't know ...

"Hmmm," Molly went on. "Maybe. I got the impression she was planning to spend Christmas alone, actually."

She looked at him, clearly annoyed. He knew well enough why. It was his fault. Nymphadora Tonks, who should be having a nice time right now, laughing and joking with the Weasleys and changing her nose for everyone's entertainment, would be sitting alone at home, curled up with a box of chocolates, probably, feeling miserable. And suddenly Harry asked him the last question he wanted to answer.

"Tonks's Patronus has changed its form," he said eagerly. "Snape said so, anyway. I didn't know that could happen. Why would your Patronus change?"

He sounded genuinely interested, even concerned. He clearly had no idea of the awkwardness this question aroused for the person of whom he expected an answer. And why should he? He was asking a simple question to do with Patronusses, and why should it occur to him that the man who had taught him how to conjure one in the first place might not feel comfortable about answering it?

Remus chewed for a long time on a piece of turkey and swallowed it. Why had her Patronus changed? Oh, he knew why. His fault, again ...

"Sometimes," he began hesitantly, not wanting to explain too much, "a great shock ... an emotional upheaval ..."

"It looked big, and it had four legs," Harry went on eagerly, still oblivious to Remus's current discomfort. "Hey ... it couldn't be -?"

_A werewolf? _Remus thought. _Too right it could. Oh, Nymphadora ..._ But their conversation was interrupted, thankfully, by a shout from Molly.

"Arthur! Arthur - it's Percy!"

_Saved by the bell_, Remus thought grimly to himself. Then he thought again of Tonks and her new Patronus. The rather stiff Weasley family reunion passed him by almost unnoticed. He was hardly aware of Scrimgeour's presence. Only when Harry got up from his seat and moved to join the new Minister for Magic, apparently intending to go outside with him, did he rouse himself instinctively and begin rising from his chair.

"It's fine," Harry said quietly.

Remus sat back down again and absent-mindedly watched Molly fussing - or trying to fuss - over a reluctant Percy. And he couldn't help but wonder what Tonks was doing now.

Nymphadora Tonks sat curled up in front of the television, a box of chocolates on her lap. She was alone. Her parents were out, celebrating with some friends, having a big party with lots of cheer and laughter. They had wanted her to come along with them, to get out and have fun, meet some new people ... But she hadn't wanted to go. She had used Molly's invitation as an excuse at first, but her mother had guessed at the truth. She had tried to persuade her daughter that maybe it was for the best, that it might do her good to get out with a different crowd of people for once, but Tonks had become so angry at the suggestion that Andromeda had finally given up and grudgingly left her behind, alone.

Tonks popped another bit of chocolate in her mouth and changed the channel. There was some old black and white film just starting. She pulled up a cushion, squashed it into a more comfortable shape, and rested her head on it. It was not very long before, much to her annoyance, she found tears trickling down her cheek again, their salty taste mixing with the sweet taste of chocolate in her mouth. Of all things, why did the stupid television people have to show a film about a man - what was his name? George? - who seemed to think the world would be better off if he had never been born? As if she needed reminding ...

As she carried on watching the film, Tonks began wishing she could find an angel like this Clarence somewhere and tell him to show a certain man what the world would be without _him_ - what her world _was _like without him, right now.

She had another chocolate, tears streaming freely down her face, and wondered whether he would ever see ...


	13. The Prophet behind The Times

Chapter 13: The Prophet Behind The Times

Nymphadora Tonks sat on a corner of a desk at Auror Headquarters, her eyes sweeping the open page of the _Daily Prophet _ in front of her. Dung had got himself arrested for pretending to be an Inferius. A stupid, stupid thing to do at the present time. And so like Dung.

A nine-year-old had nearly killed his grandparents, thanks to being placed under the _Imperius_ curse. Old news. She sighed and looked up as she heard a slight commotion nearby.

"What is it?" she asked, rising from her seat and approaching the fair-haired young auror who had just entered HQ, and who appeared to be the source of the murmurings. "What's happened?"

"I've just come from St. Mungo's," the other young woman replied tearfully. "Oh, it's terrible."

"What is?" asked Tonks, unfairly becoming a little impatient. She steadied herself, then repeated her question. "What's happened, Viv?"

"It's ... the Montgomerys' little boy," the other sobbed. "Martha was cornered by some Death Eaters last week, they wanted her to help them and she wouldn't, and now ... they went for her son. Last night."

"Last ... night?" Tonks repeated breathlessly. Her heart pounded. She had been up last night. All night. The same as every month. Always when she knew there was a full moon. She had lain awake wondering. Worrying.

"The poor little boy was attacked by a werewolf."

There it was, out in the open. Tonks could find nothing more to say, no more ways to prompt Viv for more information. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear it.

"He's dead," the fair-haired auror went on anyway. "Died in hospital. And he was only five ..."

"Did they get the monster?" someone asked.

Tonks flinched at the word as if someone had struck her a physical blow, and prayed no one had seen. Viv shook her head.

"Who bit him, do they know?"

"They're not sure yet."

_Oh, please, don't let it be ... no, it can't, please, no ... _Tonks began to move away from the group, towards the door. She walked slowly to create the impression of knowing what she was doing, when in fact she was close to fainting. _If only Kingsley were here now, he'd know what to do. Or Moody. Anyone. Oh help ..._

Tonks staggered out into the corridor and leaned her back against the wall, her breath coming in irregular gasps. She tried to tell herself that she was over-dramatising, that her fears were unfounded. But a boy had been killed last night, by a werewolf. And she had no idea where Remus was, where he had been - except that she did have a pretty good idea that he had been with others of his kind, out of control, not knowing who he was or what he did. _God, don't let him have had anything to do with this_, she begged silently. _That would mean the end. The boy is dead. Oh, hell!_

She pushed herself abruptly off the wall. This would not do. She must think. And she must talk to someone. Kingsley was unavailable. Moody was unavailable. She couldn't find Remus himself, she had no idea where he was, hadn't heard from him for a month. Her instinct was to run to Molly, but she reasoned that that would be pointless, Molly would know even less than she did. Dumbledore. She must talk to Dumbledore.

Tonks apparated in Hogsmeade, just by the Hog's Head, and hurried up to the school as fast as she could go. Thankfully, it was Hagrid who answered her Patronus and let her in through the big gates. He asked what she was about, of course, but she did not tell him. She ran, ran as fast as she could, to the front door, up the stairs, up again, and again, until she reached the statue of the stone gargoyle and paused to catch her breath.

"The password," she murmured to herself. "I don't even know the password, damn it."

"Nymphadora?"

Tonks jumped when she heard her name, and spun round. Minerva McGonagall was coming towards her briskly.

"Oh, hello," Tonks said mechanically.

The Transfiguration teacher studied her with mild concern.

"Nymphadora, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be keeping your eyes and ears open at the Ministry today."

"I was. That's why I'm here."

"Has something important happened?" the older woman asked alertly.

"I ... don't know. It might have. I heard something ... I wanted to talk to Dumbledore about it."

"The headmaster is away."

"Oh." Tonks's face fell. She felt her lips tremble slightly, and clenched her jaws with determination. "Oh. Do you know when he'll be back?"

"I'm afraid not," Minerva McGonagall said, softening a little. "Nymphadora, are you quite well? You look a little faint."

"I'm ... fine," Tonks lied. "Thank you, Professor. I just ... You don't know if Dumbledore's had any letters lately, do you? From ... anyone?"

The professor looked cautiously around her, then said quietly. "If you're thinking of ... who I suspect you're thinking of - not to my knowledge."

Tonks swallowed hard. "Okay then. Thank you, Professor."

She began to walk away.

"Would you like me to give Dumbledore a message from you?" Minerva McGonagall called after her.

"No, thanks. It's ... all right. I can wait."

Tonks wandered aimlessly along the corridor, her footsteps taking her on an old familiar route she had often walked as a girl in her Hogwarts days. Just by the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy teaching trolls to do ballet, she stopped, surprised, hearing a familiar voice cry "OUCH!" An Invisibility Cloak slid to the floor, and there, right in front of her, was Harry, hopping on one foot.

"Harry?"

Harry, spinning round on one leg, toppled over and stared up at her, looking startled.

"What're you doing here?"

_What are you, for that matter_, Tonks thought briefly, then answered truthfully,

"I came to see Dumbledore."

"His office isn't here," said Harry. "It's round the other side of the castle, behind the gargoyle -"

"I know," she acknowledged. "He's not there. Apparently he's gone away again."

"Has he? Hey - you don't know where he goes, I suppose?"

"No."

_How I wish I did, then I could find him and ask him whether he's heard if Remus is all right._

"What did you want to see him about?"

"Nothing in particular," Tonks lied, picking at the sleeve of her robe without noticing and remembering a time when she had fumbled similarly with Remus's shirt on a day very like this, just after his transformation. "I just thought he might know what's going on ... I've heard rumours ... people getting hurt ..."

"Yeah, I know, it's all been in the papers," said Harry. "That little kid trying to kill his -"

_What?_ Thought Tonks. Then, _Oh, that._ How insignificant it seemed, how trifling compared to what was on her mind. How long ago ...

"The _Prophet's _often behind the times," said Tonks, barely hearing him. "You haven't had any letters from anyone in the Order recently?" she added hopefully.

"No one from the Order writes to me any more."

_No, nor me. Oh, I wish he'd write to me. Just once, just to tell me he's safe, and that last night ... that he wasn't there. God, I hope he wasn't there, it would kill him if ..._

"Not since Sirius -" Harry went on, unaware of her thoughts, but breaking off when he saw her eyes filling with tears.

"I'm sorry," the boy stumbled on. "I mean ... I miss him, as well ..."

"What?"

_What is he talking about? How does he know ... Does he even know? Are we even talking about the same thing?_

Out loud, Tonks said, "Well, I'll see you around, Harry."

_Quick, get away from here, before you embarrass yourself by blubbing again._

She turned from him abruptly and strode away.


	14. Just One Night

Chapter 14: Just One Night

The day was tortuous. All she kept hearing were rumours, whispers that told too many different versions of the story, some claiming the involvement of an entire gang of werewolves, others saying only one had performed the deed. But all were unified in their anger and revoltion at what had been done to that innocent child, and most seemed to blame the whole 'species' for it, making no distinction in their threats of retribution.

By the time Tonks apparated in the usual deserted alley and made her way onto the street where her home stood, she was feeling completely drained, hoarse from arguing against the wave of unrelenting, non-discretional hate, and sick with worry. She stumbled up the steps to the front door, got her keys out of her pocket, dropped them, swore under her breath as she bent to pick them up, and inserted them gingerly into the keyhole. But she did not have to turn them in the lock. The door was opened to her from the inside by her mother.

"Nymphadora!" she exclaimed.

"Don't say anything, Mum," Tonks said wearily, dropping her keys again as she entered the hallway. "I know I look like death warmed up, but I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

"Have you been in a fight?" Andromeda Tonks asked, ignoring her daughter's remark. "Or are you ill? You've not been looking well for ages, Nymph, I do wish you'd see a healer."

"I'm fine," Tonks snapped. "I just want to go to bed."

"Not just yet, I think," her mother said. "You have a visitor."

"What? Who?"

"Remus Lupin."

Tonks's eyes snapped upwards from the floor to her mother's face. She had certainly not expected this. Nor, it seemed, had her mother. And as she examined her daughter's face, Andromeda seemed to begin to realise what had made her so quiet and ill-looking, what it was that she hadn't wanted to talk about for months and months, though it was evidently eating away at her.

"Don't tell me ... that's it, isn't it? Remus Lupin. You ...?"

"I'm fighting for love, Mum. Surely that's something even you can understand," Tonks said testily, too tired to argue and too eager to learn whatever Remus had come to say.

"Sweetheart, he's ..."

"What?" Tonks demanded, her hands on her hips.

"In the living room," her mother said wonderingly.

Tonks hurried through the door she indicated at once, but for a moment she felt a rush of disappointment. The room seemed empty. It was dark, and she had to strain her eyes before she saw a slight movement in the shadows at the opposite end, beside the drawn curtains of the window.

"Remus?" she whispered.

"Tonks ..."

He somehow managed to fill the one syllable with a wealth of emotions she would never have expected, least of all from him. She had come to rely so on his self-control, his everlasting calm and annoying immovableness. Yet now she heard relief, pain, pleasure, exhaustion, grief and even a certain appeal for help in his voice. In just that one word. One syllable. Her name. She crossed the room, took one quick look at his strained face in the dim light that her eyes were slowly becoming accustomed to, and put her arms around his middle, holding on for dear life.

"Oh, thank goodness!" she cried.

For a moment, he seemed to forget everything. He forgot to speak, forgot to think, and he forgot not to hold her as tightly as she held him. Then Tonks said,

"I heard this morning ... about that boy ... And I've been so frightened ever since ..."

He peeled her arms off him gently. "... that I had something to do with it?"

"Not exactly. But that you might somehow have been involved, even though you didn't want to. I knew you hadn't taken your potion, and that Greyback would gladly ..."

"It was Greyback," he interrupted. "He set out deliberately to do his worst. That is, I don't know whether he meant to kill the boy or just bite him, but he certainly meant more than mischief. They told me when I arrived there - at his "den", as he likes to call it. But I couldn't do anything about it." His voice shook a little. "It was too late. The moon was almost full, I had to lock myself up ..."

He turned to the closed curtains, his eyes distant, as though he were looking through the fabric at something she could not see.

"Remus," Tonks said quietly, "I'm so glad to see you, but ... why did you come?"

"I had to let you know it was all right, that I had nothing to do with this."

"You could have sent a message. That would have been safer than to risk Greyback's people catching you on your way to an auror's home."

"Yes. But ... I wanted to see you."

She drew her breath in sharply. "This must have shaken you up a good deal, then ... for you to admit that ..."

Turning towards her abruptly, he said in an unusually quick, eager voice, "Tonks, you know I ... how I feel ... It's just ... I can't let you ..."

"Shh. Not now." She covered his mouth with her fingers to silence him. "I've had a long day, worrying about you. You know everything I want to say, and I know all the excuses you can come up with. But I haven't got the energy to start arguing now, and I doubt you have. I can't see much of you in this light, but I know you're dead on your feet. Come and sit down, and let's not talk any more. Let's just not think about it all, just for one night."

"I should go home ..." he said slowly.

Tonks took him by the hand and led him to the sofa, then pushed him gently onto it. She sat down beside him and took his hand. He leaned his head against the backrest and just looked at her. Slowly his eyes began to close. Tonks watched him until she was sure he had fallen asleep. Then she nestled her head on his shoulder and allowed her silent tears to trickle down his neck.

_It'll be all right. Some day all this horrible fighting will be over, people like Greyback will get what's coming to them ... damn Greyback! If it hadn't been for him, Remus and I could be like this, always. The age difference wouldn't matter if it wasn't for all the rest, and that was all his fault. Monster. Murderer._

Her hand closed more tightly around Remus's, and slowly Tonks too drifted off to sleep. It was her mother who woke her in the morning. Remus had left a note on Tonks's lap. On it were written just two words: _Thank you._


	15. A World Shattered

Chapter 15: A World Shattered

Remus could barely bring himself to believe any of it. The fight, what had happened to Bill, and Dumbledore ...

_Dumbledore is dead._

He kept telling himself that, but it didn't seem real, it didn't seem possible. He didn't want it to be real or possible. Not Dumbledore. Of all the people they could have lost - the people _he_ could have lost - Dumbledore ...

_Dumbledore trusted me. He was the first. He let me come to Hogwarts - twice. He gave me a job, he forgave me when I'd betrayed his trust, he was kind to me, he understood ..._

Remus dropped into an armchair in the living room of The Burrow with a low moan and thought back to those moments in the hospital wing at Hogwarts, to Ginny telling them what had happened and his own disbelief until one look at Harry had told him it was true. And then, in the middle of all the grief and anguish, Nymphadora. Nymphadora glaring at him, saying those two small words "You see!" and making them sound so desperate, so full of accusation and pain and longing.

"She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"

What had he said to her this time, what excuse had he made?

"It's different," he had told her, finding every word hard to say, all the more so for they were not alone this time, and he felt very self-conscious under the expectant stares of all those people. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely ..."

And then she had seized him by his robes and shaken him, and she had screamed at him,

"But I don't care either, I don't care! I've told you a million times ..."

It was true. She had told him over and over again since that day on the way back from King's Cross that she loved him. And over and over again, he had rejected her offer. For her sake, he told himself. He had explained it to her again in the hospital wing, in front of everyone, though he had not been able to look her in the eye as he said it.

"And I've told you a million times that I am too old for you, too poor ... too dangerous ..."

And the Weasleys had sided with her, as he knew they would. Molly's scolding he could ignore, he was all too used to it. It was Arthur's words that had really struck home.

"But she wants _you_. And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so."

It was true, of course, what Arthur had said. And in the presence of the mangled Bill lying helpless in his hospital bed, who could deny the truth of those words? But it had not been the right moment to make a decision, not when they were all against him, not when he was weakened by that terrible sense of loss, feeling drained.

"This is … not the moment to discuss it," he had told them all. "Dumbledore is dead …"

And then Minerva - Minerva McGonagall, of all people! - had spoken up, not on behalf of reason, but of feeling.

"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world."

Dumbledore. Dumbledore smiling at him kindly when, a nervous boy of eleven, he had entered the Great Hall of Hogwarts for the first time. Dumbledore talking him into coming to teach at Hogwarts, emphasising his trust and his need for someone who could be closer to Harry than he could, someone to keep an eye on him, on James's son. Dumbledore reassuring him that he was not to blame for Peter Pettigrew's escape, either twelve years previously or on the night that he had forgotten to take his potion. Dumbledore dead ...

_It's too much. Too much._

Remus covered his face with his hands, much as he had done in the hospital wing, and felt them dampen with silent tears. He was unaware of the quiet footfall that approached him until he felt the soft weight of a hand on his arm and Tonks sitting down on the armrest of his chair, leaning against him, her head on his. He made an attempt to gather himself, to straighten up and be calm, but she whispered in his ear,

"Let go, Remus. For once in your life, let yourself lose control. It's all right. It's me. No one else will ever know."

And he did. For the first time in as long as he could remember, he let himself grieve without holding back. Tonks rocked him gently and stroked his hair until his tears were spent. Then she touched his cheek and he looked at her wonderingly.

"I shall never understand you," he said. "Why me? What do you see in me?"

She shrugged her shoulders and gave him a faint smile. "Who knows? Maybe it's because you're so merry and carefree."

This made him chuckle for a moment, but he quickly became serious again.

"I suppose I don't have to tell you again that I think you're making a mistake ..."

"Don't you dare. You heard Arthur. You can wish for me to find someone young and handsome and energetic as much as you like, but it won't change anything. Without you I'm just a wreck. You talked about being whole earlier. Well, I can't be whole any more, not without you. If you just look at me properly, you'll know that. I've been sick with worry over you, and there's been another kind of sickness too. I've lost my appetite. I've lost my spirit. I can't even change the colour of my hair any more. My powers have weakened, Remus. And all because of you. You're the one I want - the one I need. And I know you want me. You've just got to accept the fact that every once in a while, something good happens - even to you."

Remus shook his head slowly, but she went on pleadingly,

"You're not going to start arguing again, are you? Can you please stop being noble and gentlemanly and tell me, once and for all, how you feel about me?"

"I don't know how. I've never made a declaration of love before."

"Why am I not surprised? Well, there's no time like the present. Give it a try?"

He hesitated for a moment, looking deep into her eyes. Then he said quietly, surprising himself as much as her,

"Will you marry me, Tonks?"

She stared for a minute, not quite sure if he was serious or not. Then she burst into a happy laugh and her hair suddenly exploded like a firework into the brightest pink it had ever been.

"Please," she said sweetly, sliding down into his lap and putting her arms round his neck, "call me Nymphadora."

"Nymphadora," he whispered. "I love you."

And finally he kissed her and held her to him, making her feel at last as though he would never let her go.

THE END


	16. Epilogue: It's Over

Epilogue: It's Over

_It's over. Voldemort is gone, defeated at last, and for good. He can't come back. Not this time. No more fighting. No more war. We've won. Despite the losses, the sorrow, the pain ... now we will have peace. But what is peace? What do we do with it? What do _I_ do with it? I've never known peace ..._

"Remus?"

Her voice, soft and tentative, broke into his thoughts. The warm pressure of her hand on his arm, clasping it tightly as though looking for something to hold onto, to keep her steady in the sea of turmoil, the aftermath that smoked around them, recalled him to the present. Remus kept his eyes carefully averted from the bodies around him and looked down into the face of the woman he loved. It was scratched and dirty, but to him Nymphadora Tonks was always beautiful, whatever the state of her face or clothing, whatever the colour of her hair and eyes, or the shape of her nose. For a moment they just stood there, motionless, looking into each other's eyes, both pairs filled with more sorrow than relief. Then, just as he opened his arms to her, Nymphadora wrapped hers around his waist and pressed herself against him.

_It's over, but what happens now? The war has claimed so many lives, the lives of so many friends, so many people I loved. Sometimes I think it has claimed my life as well. All my life has been one big fight, all my life I have fought in this war. It has been my only purpose. Now that it's over, what do I do?_

As if in answer, Nymphadora gave a little sob against his chest. He smoothed her pink hair, kissed the top of her head.

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice a little choked. "I just ... feel so strange. I know it's all over now, and we should all be celebrating, but I don't feel like I can be happy just yet."

"I know," he replied gently, and as always the warmth and kindness of his quiet, slightly hoarse voice soothed her, like balm on a sore wound.

_Oh, do stop blubbing, Tonks. It's over. Time to let go and move on. This is what you've been waiting for. It's the moment. About time you told him ..._

"Well, we did it," she said, pulling herself together a little and standing back a little so that she could look at him. "We won."

"Yes. We won."

He did not sound particularly happy about it. She went on,

"So what happens now? I mean, I know we've got a hell of a mess to clear up and ... friends to say goodbye to. But when it's over, when all that's done ... Have you thought about what we'll do then?"

"What would you like to do?" he asked her slowly.

_Oh, Remus. Don't you know we're long past the days when you could avoid answering me by not replying? You're telling me everything that you aren't saying, simply by not saying it - every that you think and feel and doubt. There's not a shred of doubt in _my_ mind._

"I would like," she said, a hint of the impish glint returning to her dark eyes, "to marry you."

_Didn't see that one coming, did you, Remus? It's good to know I can still catch you off guard once in a while._

"Nymphadora ...," he began, searching for words.

"You asked me to marry you, remember? A year ago, you said 'Will you marry me?' and I said 'yes'."

"Not really," he reminded her, as a faint smile began to tug at the corners of his mouth. "As I remember it, you laughed."

"Because I was happy. Because I _am _happy," she added with a little extra emphasis. "So, unless you've changed your mind ..."

"I haven't. I never will, Nymphadora. You know that."

_Oh yes, I know. You love me, and you don't love lightly. You're loyal to a fault. Love is for life or not at all. Darling Remus, why do you have to keep doubting that my feelings for you are just as strong, and loyal and neverending?_

"You're scared that I might, aren't you?" she guessed aloud. "Remus, stop imagining such nonsense. I'm not going anywhere. I won't grow tired of you, however long we're together. And I want it to be always. I'm yours, and I want to prove it, I want you know that we belong and stop worrying that one day you'll wake up and find me gone."

"I wouldn't blame you."

She saw both the love and the fear in his eyes as he said it, and smiled.

"Never," she promised. "You're never going to get rid of me. I ... yes?"

They were interrupted by an apologetic Minerva McGonagall. Like both of them, the Hogwarts headmistress bore evidence of the recent battle. Her hair was dishevelled, there were cuts on her face and she was holding one arm at an awkward angle.

"Minerva."

Letting go of Nymphadora, Remus turned to the older woman with concern.

"You don't look well, we'd better get you some help ..."

"I'm all right, thank you, Remus," she assured him, but could see that that was not entirely true, that her arm was causing her pain.

"No, you're not," he insisted. "Please, Minerva, let me help you ..."

To his surprise, she smiled.

"As soon as I get back to Hogwarts, I'll go and see Poppy Pomfrey, I promise. This is nothing she can't mend. But as a matter of fact, I do want your help - in a manner of speaking."

"Anything ..."

"Don't be too hasty, Remus," she warned him.

"What is it you want him to do?" asked the young woman by his side.

The professor looked straight at Remus.

"Come back."

"I ... beg your pardon?" he responded, confused.

"Come back to Hogwarts. We're short-staffed, as you know, and I assume you will be looking for a job, now that this war is over?"

"Yes, but ..."

"The Defence Against the Dark Arts position is vacant again. I know we haven't been able to keep a teacher in that position for more than a year in the past, but I'm confident that that will change now that You-know... _Lord Voldemort_ can no longer meddle with it. Albus told me once that he believed that the jinx would be lifted once Voldemort was vanquished. I think he hoped that you would return when that time came."

"Minerva," Remus began slowly, "I left for a reason. I was a danger to the students and my colleagues then, and I still am."

"Rubbish," she said sharply. "Horace Slughorn is at least as good a Potions master as Severus Snape was, and can easily provide you with what you need. What _I_ need is someone to fill that vacancy - and to stand in for me whenever I am unable to perform my duties as headmistress," she added almost as an afterthought.

Tonks gave a small gasp. "You mean you want Remus to be deputy headmaster?"

"Yes," McGonagall said briskly. "To tell you the truth, the past year has been a strain for me. Following in the footsteps of so great a headmaster as Albus Dumbledore has been far from easy. I thought that I could manage, somehow, on my own, but now I see that acting as headmistress without support, as Transfiguration teacher and head of Gryffindor house is ... well, frankly, it's been too much," she admitted a little grudgingly. "I have decided to let Hagrid head Gryffindor next term, but that still leaves me without a deputy headmaster ..."

The two women looked at Remus expectantly. He frowned thoughtfully, glanced at the eager face beneath the pink hair, then at his one-time teacher and colleague.

"It's a kind offer, Minerva," he began, "but ..."

"You're _not_ going to refuse!" Nymphadora cried, outraged.

"My dear ..."

"This is what you've always wanted, Remus! You've told me yourself you've never been happier than when you were at Hogwarts! You always wanted to be a teacher! You're not going to turn down a dream come true!"

"I wouldn't," he said quietly, "if I had only myself to consider."

It was entirely the wrong thing to say. She flared,

"You're not turning it down on _my_ account! No, no, don't go all self-sacrificing on me. You wanted a job, a steady income, you wanted to teach, I'm not letting you give it all up for me, I don't need that."

"You said you wanted us to be married," Remus pointed out, feeling a little awkward discussing these things in front of Minerva McGonagall.

"I do, I do," the young woman went on heatedly, "but I want it to be perfect for _both_ of us! I want you to be able to do what you've always dreamed about, there's no need to invent obstacles where there aren't any, we'll get a house in Hogsmeade, I can easily commute from there, or ..."

Minerva McGonagall cleared her throat, causing Tonks to fall silent and Remus to swallow whatever he had been about to say.

"I may have the solution," the older woman offered. "As I was saying, I intend to relinquish some of my duties. Including my role as Transfiguration teacher ..."

She looked at Tonks meaningfully, but it took a while for the message to sink in. Then the younger woman's eyes widened.

"You mean ... me? _Me_, a teacher?"

McGonagall nodded. There was a pause. Eventually Remus said,

"It's kind of you, Minerva, but I suspect Nymphadora is far too enthusiastic an auror to ..."

"I'll do it," Nymphadora said, startling him into silence. "I know I won't be very good at it, being the clumsy oaf that I am, but I'll give it a try and try not to break too much."

With a smile, the headmistress said, "It is just as effective to teach the students to transfigure iron goblets as it is to use delicate glassware."

Tonks grinned. Remus stared at her, incredulous. Then his incredulity gave way to a hint of annoyance.

"You didn't want _me_ to sacrifice the chance of being a teacher for _your _sake," he said. "And now you expect _me_ to accept the fact that _you're _sacrificing your career as an auror for me? I don't think that's ..."

"I'm sure it's better that way," she interrupted him. "The Ministry won't be needing half as many aurors in future, and I know you'd only worry about me if I stayed on, now that ... well, I mean ... all things considered ..."

He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, his face taking on a puzzled expression.

"All things considered?" he repeated. "What do you mean?"

Looking from one to the other of them, McGonagall decided to withdraw, sure that she had her answers from both of them. Remus repeated quietly,

"What do you mean, Nymphadora?"

She drew closer to him, her eyes looking into his. "I want us to get married, Remus, so we can be a proper family. You, me ..." - she took his hand and placed it gently on her belly - "... and the little one."

For a minute that felt like a lifetime, he stared at her. Then, with his eyes glistening suspiciously and his hands trembling, he drew her into a sudden, strong embrace.

_I've never known peace, but I will. _We _will. My wife and I ... and our child._

"You said I had never been happier than when I was at Hogwarts," he whispered against her cheek.

"That's what you told me."

"It's not true any more. I've never been happier than I am now."

And he kissed her, thinking a silent apology.

_Forgive me, my friends. I suppose it must appear rather disrespectful to be standing here with the bodies of fallen allies around us, kissing tenderly, in this moment feeling only happiness. But I hope that you, who know the battles we've fought to bring us this far, and the tears we've shed, will look down on us kindly and understand. Many lives have been claimed, but ours were spared. For us, it isn't over. After all, as it turns out, my life is just beginning ..._

DEFINITELY THE END ;)


	17. Author's Notes

These were meant to go before the individual chapters, but I forgot to add them into the separate files, so here they all are for anyone who wants that little bit of extra background. Chapter 1 

This chapter is set before Remus sets out to patrol the corridors of his old school in _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_; Remus finds himself reflecting on the strain of circumstances that led to his becoming involved with Nymphadora Tonks.

Chapter 2 

Prior to the events of _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_, Tonks recalls how she first met Remus Lupin.

Chapter 3 

In early 1996, still at the time of _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_, Tonks starts to discover that her feelings for Remus may go beyond ordinary friendship.

Chapter 4 

Still during the time of _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_, Remus prepares for his transformation while Sirius decides it's time for some man-to-man advice.

Chapter 5 

The morning after his transformation in the previous chapter, Remus is expecting a little peace and quiet, but Tonks and Molly have other plans.

Chapter 6 

Just after the battle at the Department of Mysteries in _Harry Potter and the Order of the _Phoenix, Remus must deal with the loss of Sirius Black for the second time.

**Chapter 7**

Having seen Harry off from King's Cross at the end of _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_, Remus and Tonks start to make their way homeward, but then she makes a revelation he should have seen coming.

Chapter 8 

In the kitchen of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, Remus tries to clear up some of Sirius's old papers, with Tonks determined to help him in more ways than one.

Chapter 9 

Not long before _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_, Tonks is feeling sorry for herself in the kitchen of The Burrow when Molly lets slip something that Remus has been keeping from her. Contains non-original parts written by JK Rowling that are most definitely not my own.

Chapter 10 

Looking for someone to confide in, Tonks pays another visit to Molly Weasley. This is Molly and Tonks's side of their first meeting with Harry in _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_. Contains non-original parts written by JK Rowling that are most definitely not my own.

Chapter 11 

This is Remus Lupin's side of the chapter _A Very Frosty Christmas _from _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_. Was Harry right to think he wasn't listening to the music? Contains non-original parts written by JK Rowling that are most definitely not my own.

Chapter 12 

It is Christmas lunchtime, and Molly decides to get in a dig in front of everyone, while Harry has an uncomfortable question to ask ... This is another of those HBP moments that should have served as a clue on the way to that scene in the hospital wing. Contains non-original parts written by JK Rowling that are most definitely not my own.

Chapter 13 

Towards the end of the chapter _The Unknowable Room _in _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_, Tonks tries to allay her fears. Contains non-original parts written by JK Rowling that are most definitely not my own.

Chapter 14 

The day she bumped into Harry at Hogwarts is a long one for Tonks; when she gets home, wanting nothing more than sleep, instead she finds an unexpected visitor.

Chapter 15 

It is the end of _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_ and Remus, feeling lost and drained, has returned to The Burrow. This is the last chapter but for the epilogue. Contains non-original parts written by JK Rowling that are most definitely not my own.

Chapter 16: Epilogue 

It is the end of the last _Harry Potter _novel, the final battle with the Death Eaters has ended and for the survivors, now is the time to decide what to do with the rest of their lives.


End file.
